By Chris Wright

“Bald much? LOLOLOLOL”

Whether he actually said it or not is up for debate, but Spanish paper El Confidencial (via Bild) are attributing a zinger of a quote to Jose Mourinho, who has apparently kept his ongoing feud with arch-nemesis Pep Guardiola simmering away nicely with a typically Mourinho-esque troll-heavy one-liner about the Bayern Munich coach’s lack of follicular fecundity.

“When you enjoy what you do, you don’t lose your hair, and Guardiola is bald. He doesn’t enjoy football.”

Zing-a-ling-a-ling-a-LING!

This comes after Pep and Jose got into a bitchy slanging match at the (thrilling) UEFA Elite Club Coaches Forum earlier in the week when the pair argued over the correct grass length.

Yep, you did read that correctly.

Guardiola argued that UEFA rules should be amended to whittle the maximum permitted grass length down from 3cm to 1.5cm in order to facilitate elite football, i.e, 100 passes-a-minute and lots of beautiful, beautiful possession retention.

Mourinho supposedly then quipped: “Everyone has his style of play, which should be respected. Football can be spectacular in several ways.”

To which Guardiola then reportedly replied: “The beauty of football depends on the coach. It seems to me that Mourinho prefers the result to the spectacle.

“I know to him that’s all that matters.”

Camp Drog says…

“Ooooh, claws away you sassy BIIIIIITCHES!!!!”

                          

By Chris Wright

With that in mind, here’s exactly what each and every member of Aston Villa’s first-team squad and staff would look like were they to be burnished with the impressive salt-and-pepper facial furniture of their assistant manager, Roy Keane…

Glad to be of service!

Or moreover, @GarethRDR is glad to be of service – for this be his impressive handiwork!

“Stick it up yer bollocks!”

(Via Joe.ie)

                          

By Chris Wright

Turns out Erik Lamela has previous in the rabona department, with a clip surfacing today of the Tottenham trickster tucking away a similarly audacious effort to his bamboozling goal against Asteras in the Europa League last night while playing in the River Plate youth team back in 2009…

Sweet Padawan rat tail, too.

                          

By Chris Wright

Something tells us Arda Turan will not be joining Genclerbirligi any time soon

The chairman of Turkish side Genclerbirligi has vowed to rid his club of the current hipster beard scourge sweeping the globe by slapping any player caught sprouting excess facial hair with an on-the-spot fine.

Genclerbirligi chairman Ilhan Cavcav has grown tired of the current trend for Kodiak mountain man-style beards among his squad and as such has declared that any player who contravenes his new law will be stung for L25,000 (around £7,150).

Apparently citing Besiktas manager Slaven Bilic, Besiktas midfielder Olcay Sahan, Fenerbahce ‘keeper Volkan Demirel and Galatasaray midfielder Selcuk Inan as “bad influences”, Cavcav is determined to bring an end to the age of the beard.

“I am 80-years-old, and I shave every single day. Man, is this an imam-hatip school? Cavcav ranted to the Dogan news agency.

You are a sportsman. You should be a (role) model for the youth.”

For the record, fans of slight hypocrisy may be interested to know that Cavcav himself sports a gentlemanly moustache.

Not content with simply ensuring Genclerbirligi as a club are a clean-shaven bunch, Cavcav has also (unsuccessfully) petitioned the chairman of the Turkish Football Federation, Yildirim Demiroren, to issue a nationwide ban on beards.

“He [Demiroren] told me that they could not impose such a restriction because UEFA would not let them do it,” Cavcav moaned.

“I am fed up with this UEFA. I wish we had some other place to play our football.”

We can’t help but wonder what he’s really angry about.

(Via The Guardian)

                          

By Chris Wright

Of course, any powderpuff 90s boyband would work given the abject state of Grealish’s barnet, but we just feel NKOTB collectively possess the requisite wet-look volume…

Sitting on a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Feel free submit it via email at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us on @waatpies and we’ll gladly give it the once-over!

                          

By Chris Wright

Think we might be on Fergie’s side on this one

Safe to say, you don’t have to go far to stumble across an example of the ‘flashy son/disapproving father’ relationship that David Beckham and Sir Alex Ferguson endured over the course of the former’s time at Manchester United.

Fergie was continually at odds with Beckham and his celebrity for many years, right up until the point he lost his patience altogether in 2003 – finally getting shot of Becks to Real Madrid shortly after pelting him with an Adidas Predator.

Anyway, while discussing his great pantheon of past hairstyles in an interview set to air on Friday night’s Graham Norton Show, Becks admitted that Sir Alex was once so perturbed by one of his more divisive coifs that he made him shave it off in the toilets before a game at Wembley.

“I was in the dressing room with an hour to go before kick off when Sir Alex Ferguson saw it and made me shave it off,” Becks waffled.

“I said no at first and then I saw his face change very quickly so I went and shaved it off in the toilet. He was very strict.

The former England captain went on to lament a few of his less successful looks, including the questionable style he adopted before a meeting with one of history’s most venerated men.

“Some of (my hairstyles) have been really bad – I hadn’t thought them through,” he continued.

“The topknot wasn’t too bad but the cornbraids were a bad decision.

“It was bad timing as well as I was going to South Africa at the time with England and ended up meeting Nelson Mandela so that’s why I regret that one.”

Yep. We heartily concur…

Pies’ personal favourite? It surely has to be the time Becks took to the pitch with nothing but a fried egg and tomato ketchup on his bonce…

Geek Pie.

                          

By Chris Wright

As a little bit of an Easter treat, we thought we’d dust off Pies’ famous(ish) bald footballers compilation and give it a seasonal re-jig – with the inclusion of a few new faces in the barren-bonced parade of Easter Eggheads.

Jonjo Shelvey

Losing his hair to alopecia at a young age caused Jonjo to lock himself away deep inside a mystic labyrinth for the majority of his childhood, though he undoubtedly emerged all the stronger for it.

Brian McDermott

Three minutes for soft-boiled, six minutes for hard-boiled.

Ivan De La Pena

Put it this way, De La Pena is the one on the left…we think.

Terry Mancini

Way, way before Hulk Hogan trademarked the look as his own, QPR and Arsenal defender Mancini was rocking the ‘skirted eggshell’ with pride and panache.

Fabian Barthez

Barthez started out his career with a thicket of luscious, Shirley Temple-esque golden ringlets up top, only to see them gradually eroded away to nothing by the relentless amorous advances of one Laurent Blanc.

Franck Lebeouf

Not content with a football career most would give their right arm for, Mr The Beef now puts his sleek, streamlined hairlessness to good use by landing roles as scientists in major Oscar-nominated blockbusters.

Atillio Lombardo

The Bald Eagle was and is almost entirely wind resistant.

Richard Chaplow

Such is the sheen on Chaplow’s polished dome, the Ipswich midfielder actually has the power to render his foes temporarily incapacitated if he stands under the floodlights at the right angle.

The Thomas Gravesen/Lee Carsley Axis

Put quite simply: The most fearsomely bald midfield combination ever to have roamed the Earth.

Pierluigi Collina

It was a toss-up between Collina and Howard Webb as to which bald referee we were going to chuck in.

However, the Italian wins by virtue of having no discernible follicles…or eyelids, for that matter.

Honorary mentions: Gianluca Vialli, Yordan Letchkov, Pep Guardiola, Temuri Kestbaia, Pepe Reina, Ray Wilkins, Stephen Ireland, Danny Mills, Andy Johnson, Paul Konchesky, Esteban Cambiasso, the list is endless…

                          

By Chris Wright

Before he was “Just sitting there thinking…” on Soccer Saturday all the live long day, Charlie Nicholas was ‘Champagne Charlie’ – one of the flashiest footballing playboys of the 1980s, with the flouncy mullet and little diamond ear-stud (which he proudly still sports to this very day) to prove it.

He was a bit of a berk, but a loveable berk and the good thing about loveable berks is that they tend to get themselves photographed while looking like berks and Champagne Nicholas was no exception!

Here are some of his finest moments, beginning with our hero posing with some of his nun friends – shortly before he moved into his leather phase.

Oh yeah, consider this your warning: You’re about to be hit with an absolute avalanche of leather…

You don’t want to know how many bottles of talcum powder it took to get that suit on…

Charlie finds a simple way to prevent the rain and the talc from creating a paste…

This would probably qualify as child abuse these days…

Wistful looks across the boating lake. Here’s where it all came together in a Shoot Magazine spread…

Here’s that classic cropped-sleeve look again, this time on the lesser-spotted Charlie Nicholas playing card…

Good morning starshine!

Just relaxing at home in the old leather kecks: making beans; watching some telly…

Quite clearly stuck to the spot…

Back to beebos (you just know he’s still wearing those trousers)…

Just two cheeky boys on a bench…

“Hello, my name’s Charlie and I’d like to talk to you about wicker furniture…”

A still from Charlie’s Miami Vice audition tape…

Yeehaw!

Denim memories…

Just sitting down and enjoying Lionel Ritchie’s latest…

That time the NME mistook him for Bono…

Or that time he and Glenn Hoddle both forgot their shorts…

It’s the flock of seagulls look, only these seagulls happen to be ones rescued from the oil-slick after the Exxon Valdez ran aground…

Charlie’s love for you will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone…

We had no idea Charlie was an extra in Lovejoy…

Up to the present day: With our hero now looking like the sad, ageing singer in a Visage tribute band…

Nice eye shadow Charlie. Very fetching.

(Photos: Getty/Twitter)

                          

By Chris Wright

Here at Pies, we endeavour to keep you abreast of the latest in Horror Hair knockings, so we feel duty-bound to inform you of a follicular epidemic that has Madrid in its bleach-blonde grip and is currently reducing hundreds, nay, thousands of distraught mothers to tears right across the city.

We’re talking, of course, about “Griezmannia”. Let us explain…

According to AS’ comprehensive research, Cristiano Ronaldo’s oily coif is still the most imitated style in Madrid with Neymar in second place. This is not news.

However, coming up on the rails quickly is the Antoine Griezmann cut, which is proving increasingly popular with the young populace of Madrid and is now the third most-requested style in barbers’ salons across the city.

In fact, such is the rise of kids copying the Atletico winger’s distinctive peroxide undercut, that AS have warned against the onset of GRIEZMANNIA.

Miriam Martinez, owner of Salon Mima, in Madrid, told the paper:

“David Beckham is the most imitated footballer ever, though all his styles were already done and he just asked for them the next day. Griezmann is different. He creates the trend. This cut did not exist until he did.”

For the uninitiated, the Griezmann cut basically involves shaving and dying your hair right up until the point that it looks like you’re trying to balance a paralysed cockatiel on your head…

Oh well, we guess he looks happy enough – but don’t say we didn’t warn you.

                          

By Chris Wright

Here’s Alexis Sanchez shilling for Gillette in his first advert of 2015.

The Arsenal star must really rate his new ProGlide razor, becuase it would appear that he has used it all over…

Gillette 2015 ……

A video posted by Alexis Sanchez (@alexis_officia1) on Apr 27, 2015 at 4:02am PDT

Grooming fact we wish we hadn’t learned today: ‘The Chilean’ is obviously one level of hairlessness beyond ‘The Brazilian’.

No wonder Sanchez is so nippy. He’s so very aerodynamic. Almost dragless, like a skipjack tuna.

                          

By Chris Wright

You may remember Dominic Oduro as the former Columbus Crew winger who once had a slice of pizza shaved and dyed into his hair for the sole reason that he bloody well loves pizza.

Well, that and the fact that he was probably given a few quid by Crew sponsors Papa Johns to do so…

Anway, he’s back, and we’re glad to reported that his hair is just as…”unique” as ever.

Oduro, now of Montreal Impact, has debuted his stunning new coif ahead of his club’s upcoming CONCACAF Champions League Final appearance.

To call it a work of follicular architecture is doing it a disservice…

The hair is ready, the players are ready, the fans are ready @MLS is ready. The city of Montreal,you ready? #CCLfinal pic.twitter.com/CK37yZzhLi

— Dominic Oduro (@Freakyfast8) April 28, 2015

Lord knows how many man hours went into constructing that.

Bravo! Bravo indeed!

                          

By Chris Wright

There we were, busy painstakingly compiling a season-by-season photographic retrospective appraisal of Steven Gerrard’s 17-year hair portfolio only for the bloody BBC to go and steal our thunder by cobbling this little beauty together…

Steven Gerrard: 17 seasons, one sensible haircut. Immaculate.

You just can’t buy consistency like that. What a legacy.

The man has Javier Zanetti-esque follicular diversity…

Didn’t even shift his parting once for a laugh. Legend.

(Via BBC Sport/Topps stickers)

                          

By Chris Wright

So, Tottenham defender Danny Rose has opted for this particular shade of red for today’s game against Hull City…

Hmmm. Of all the hair dyes in all the world, he had to pick Arsenal red.

It should be noted that there are certain Spurs fans out there who despise the Gunners colours so much that they actively refuse to wear the club’s current home shirt because of the red AIA logo on the front.

With that in mind, the social media reaction to Rose’s new dye-job has not been particularly positive.

Put it this way, the word “scum” is being bandied around…quite a lot, as it happens.

Mercifully, Rose managed to score this little beauty against Hull, which you’d hope might go some way to winning him a bit of goodwill back…

(Image: Twitter)

                          

By Chris Wright

So, we feel we need to talk about Dani Alves’ specially-selected hairstyle for the Copa Del Rey final…

Let’s face it, alarm bells should always be set ringing when Neymar’s roadkill neo-mullet isn’t the most ridiculous hairstyle in any given photo.

What in the blaugrana blazes is that thing supposed to be? Looks like Alves is wearing vole turd as a badge of honour. He’s so fashion.

The reverse angle…

Suppose it’s exactly what we should expect from a man who happily leaves the house looking like this of a morning…

                          

By Chris Wright

We knew we’d seen Dani Alves’ Copa Del Rey ‘vole turd’ haircut before somewhere…

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it over to us at waatpies@gmail.com or drop us a Tweet @waatpies and we’ll happily give it a butcher’s.

                          

By Chris Wright

South Korean striker Kang Soo-Il was supposed to be making his international debut for his country tonight but instead found himself dropped from the squad entirely after failing a pre-match doping test.

Soo-Il, who plays for K-League side Jeju United at club level, tested positive before South Korea’s friendly against the UAE on Thursday evening and was subsequently stood down by coach Uli Stielike.

However, the 27-year-old forward came up with a hell of an excuse for the presence of the anabolic steroid methyltestosterone in his system, claiming it was caused by the cream he is currently using to help him grow a thick and luscious moustache.

The bad news is that Soo-Il is now facing a maximum K-League ban of 15 games. The good news is that his moustache is coming along nicely…

(Via Eurosport)

                          

Wherein Pies doff our caps and pay ‘umble accolade to those players who locked in their look early and stuck with it through thick and indeed, thin.

Are you sitting comfy bold two-square on your botty? Then we shall begin…

1. Xavi Hernandez

Wet and spiky. Like a sea anemone…

2. Javier Zanetti

863 career games; one haircut. The parting hasn’t even changed sides…

3. Steven Gerrard

Just about as generic as it gets from Stevie la…

4. Michael Owen 

As boring as his knitwear…

5. Iker Casillas

Like a moody Thunderbird puppet…

6. Robin van Persie

The silver flecks are a relatively recent addition, but RVP maintains his archetypal style with pride…

7. Nigel Pearson

Stunning commitment to looking like a 45-year-old Territorial Army drill sergeant his entire life…

8. Gerry Francis

The satin-finish deluxe semi-mullet has served our Gerry well over the last 60-odd years…

9. Scott Parker

A good old fashioned English short-back-and-sides you can set your watch by…

10. Steve McManaman

The tousled Scouser, forever doomed to looking like he should be playing rhythm guitar in Cast…

Any other one-haircut wonders you’d like to see receive their dues, Pies fan?

After his entirely pointless stint at Chelsea ended in a ghostly fart of a whimper earlier in the summer, Juan Cuadrado is currently enjoying something of a new lease of life at Juventus.

Cuadrado returned to Serie A last month after a dismal six months at Stamford Bridge, with Juve fans flocking to greet him at Turin airport and welcome the Colombian winger back onto Italian soil – such was the fervour over his signing.

Indeed, this chap might have got slightly carried away…

Photo via @Mourinholic

As ridiculous as it is, shaving dreadlocks into hair is no mean feat.

Gird yourselves for this one  Pies fans, as it truly is a Horror Hair offering for the ages.

This man is Bastien Héry, otherwise known as the bloke whose fluffed penalty against Liverpool sent Carlisle toppling out of the Capital One Cup last night…

Appalling. Just…appalling.

We’d like to thank Talking Baws for pointing out that Héry appears to have asked his barber to sort him out with ‘the Nando’s chicken’ look…

And to think, he’s probably paid a lot of money for that.

The man’s a clown.

Photo: JEAN-PIERRE CLATOT/AFP/Getty Images

As you may or may not be aware, ex-Blackburn defender Gael Givet is currently plugging away in Ligue 2 with AC Arles-Avignon, having left Ewood Park to sign for his hometown side in the summer of 2013.

After a year with Arles, Givet secured himself a move back to the (relatively) big time in September 2014 when Ligue 1 outfit Evian Thonon Gaillard tied up a deal for the 33-year-old defender.

However, the French centre-half’s stint at Evian lasted for just one game, after which he upped sticks and immediately returned to Arles.

The reason for Givet’s exit has been something of a mystery ever since – until now, that is. Apparently his beard was too long.

Speaking to 20minutes.fr, Givet claimed:

Three days before my first game (for Evian), I was called into the president’s office for something that seemed crazy and that had nothing to do with football.

I was completely disgusted. The problem was that I let my beard grow!

At Evian, they wanted to force me to shave because it was too long.

At 33, you cannot treat me this way. They took me for a jihadist, while I haven’t even converted to Islam.

Looking at the state of Givet’s dense facial thicket, we’re guessing it was more a health and safety issue.

Somebody noticed that his arrival coincided with a faint smell of festering Weetabix and rotting vegetation suddenly enveloping the club’s facilities.